Seeking Truth

i'm outta here people!! off to a blog site!! time for a change!!

if you want to find me:

this-is-my-poetry.blogspot.com


see you later in my dreams :)

-wearing a ring in my nose
-applying to get my M.A. in Christian Spirituality and Interfaith Communication
-waiting for a man to come along worth loving
-rocking converse
-to write love on her arms
-sleeping with the enemy
-eco-friendly
-vegetarian-ish
-organic
-rejuvenated
-inability to go home
-growing up
-deciding on calvin crest next summer
-san francisco?
-long beach?
-betty and franklin?
-comfortable in my skin and in myself

I've been doing a lot of research lately with regard to grad school and I don't think I am going to go out of state.  I thought I really wanted to but right now in my life I don't. I am still going to apply to Colorado University and Harvard, but I'm also applying to CSULong Beach (not my first choice but a good school) and the Graduate Theological Union of Berkeley and Stanford.  I like California and more importantly I like my family and I don't know at this time if I want to be that far from them. I am never going to live back in Bakersfield if I can help it but I don't know if I want to leave California just yet. Some food for thought from me to you...

I need to remember that I am 22....

Today it felt like Australia outside...it hasn't felt like that in a long time for me.
It was cloudy but not super cold...enough for a long sleeve shirt and a scarf and the threat of rain was on the horizon but not a scary threat but more of an "of course it will rain today, but that's ok"
I was driving down the 101 listen to Guster...which for me always makes me think of Australia...
It made me strangely sad but it didn't last for long merely a flash.


Today will be a good day...
Outlining essays about myself...
Making a beautifully delicious salad...
Baking oatmeal chocolate chip peanut butter cookies...
Going to a BBQ with people I love...
Being alive....








more new poetry....With a Good Cup of Tea....check it out

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i have to take a $140 test soon
i have to take this test just so i can apply to grad school
then i have to pay at least $60 for every grad school i want to apply to
and if i get in to the one i really want to go to it will then be close to $38,000 a year (it's a 2 year program)
and i think i want my PhD
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what the fuck am i going to do?

So I created a blog completly for my poetry. I really like to write it and so I thought I would share it. Some are old some are new mostly they are for me but oh well enjoy...

With a Good Cup of Tea

it's over and i'm back in humboldt..
where am i going from here (besides class tomorrow at 11am)...
what's next...
what should i say if anything at all...
now it is time to sleep...

In the still small moments of quiet music,
As the aspens quake out their song in the wind,
The cherry blossom scars are barely recognizable as my heart heals.

Pushed on by a melody barely audible even by my own soul,
I collapse in to the arms of this moment allowing every part of me to resonate with what it means,
As my hands gently reach for what is next without losing what is now.

The summer sunset edges the rims of endless clouds
in pink and orange as the scent of fresh cut grass is carried on the wind of a new evening...
The first stars appear in the midst of broken memories trying to be pieced together through a life of summers--

Summers of changes--of beginnings and ends--of broken hearts that were required for greater love--
Summers of giving everything up for only God knew what,

Not realizing that it is only because of the summers that life was ever possible because each summer brought freedom in the process of madness and memory...

my summer in a word was good. that is the most beautiful way to describe or i can show you my poetry or i can show you my art from this summer but all of it has been good and it is not over yet.

Love has been present and real this summer. Love has a face and a description in my life.
Life has been real this summer. Life has taken shape and form.
Freedom has been given a definition.
And poetry has been my medium...



and next week i will be:
Would you like to frolic in a cerSAMthamum meadow with me? (as the crafty chick of the forest)

it's really august...

What does a technicolor dream look like inside a person filled with darkness?
What does a sunset look like from the eyes of the hurting?
What does tomorrow sound like from the voice of the lost?
What do I look like when I look in the mirror at the person I've become?

Will I compromise for you and for what you want or will I embrace the beautiful creation that I am?
Will I embrace my technicolor dream?
Will I embrace the sunset I see?
Will I embrace the tomorrow I strive to be a part of?
Or will I allow you to define me?






(and by the way the answer is no I will not compromise)

Freedom is a dirty word,
Filled with sharp edges and dark spaces.
Free is a four letter word that leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
I throw these words around as if they were a child's play thing,
Not taking responsibility for what they mean as they roll so easily off my tonuge.
I distort their image and make them into something unappealing because
My freedom is something is was never intended to be,
Because my freedom depends on me and what I can do.

My Freedom, is dependent on the broken heart of a child
My Freedom, is dependent on the shattered dreams of a teenager
My Freedom, is dependent on lost time and bad choices
And so it's no wonder that the freedom I can give is uninviting and ugly,
Because my freedom isn't really free at all.

And at the end of the day when I have lived in my so-called "freedom"
I realize that I want a freedom that is technicolor and sweet--
But how could I possibly find that?

see you all in 10 weeks!! here's how to get a hold of me:

Samantha Thorp(staff)
45800 Calvin Crest Rd.
Oakhurst, CA 93644

"Those who hope in the LORD 
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;     
they will run and not grow weary, 
they will walk and not be faint."
           Isaiah 40:31


how quickly i forget...what a wonderful sunday at church...i really needed the message and just the wonderful time of fellowship...

well...i'm glad at least one of us knows what is going on...

it's the middle of may,
enjoying doing nothing,
enjoying my family,
waiting for friday and a trip to Calvin Crest to plan,
waiting for sunday and a trip to monterey :),
trying to get tan,
getting good music,
getting older,
listen to the Silence and hearing,
reading something for fun,
enjoying life,
waiting for june 9th..

When I found Israel,
it was like finding grapes in the desert;
when I saw your fathers,
it was like seeing the early fruit on the fig tree.
But when they came to Baal Peor,
they consecrated themselves to that shameful idol
and became as vile as the thing they loved.

Hosea 9:10

....the prophets and i have been intimately connected recently, that can happen when you are writing a paper on them, but it is more then that....there is something more then just my paper going on here...

Lately I've been relearning how to be vulnerable.  Something I struggle with is not allowing myself to be vulnerable in situations, it's a defense mechanism I've had since I was a kid.  I went through a period of time where I felt safe being vulnerable and then for a few years I went back inside myself and rarely opened up to people and the times I did were both good and very painful.  Recently I feel God asking me to be vulnerable and be open.  This has been hard for me.  God is asking me to not put up my guard and the problem is that is one of the things I am best at, sadly.  Within the last week I had to allow myself to be vulnerable with someone so that I could really to talk to them about what was going in my heart and what I knew I needed to talk to them about.  It involved a lot of tears on my part, I'm crier anyways but this was hard because I haven't cried infront of this person.  I was so afraid to be vulnerable but it payed off and it was good and necessary to have that conversation and things are better now.  God has also asked me to vulnerable with the summer and I'm not going to lie I'm scared. I don't know what to expect and God's asking me to let down my guards....eeekkk is all I have to say.  I've also been convicted to be vulnerable with my beliefs.  I'm in a pretty crazy place studying religion and it is hard everyday but I'm beginning to see that if I'm not vulnerable in my classes that I will never really learn anything.  I'm planning on writing an essay for my Hebrew Bible class on how the class has challenged all my beliefs and yet I'm coming out the other side strong and ready for the next challenge, but I know that I wouldn't be here if I wasn't being vulnerable.  It would be much easier to take the "I'm right your wrong" stance but that's not who I am and that's not who God has made me to be.  So, yeah I'm learning how to be vulnerable again. It hurts, it makes me cry, it makes me laugh, it makes me love, and it makes me learn.


"Let Go"

She stands alone on her own two feet
In an attempt to find a life,
A life that this world cannot offer her. 

Like a song she knows the words to but has never heard before,
She is so close to the melody,
If only she would hum along and allow herself to sing. 

The fear that grips her soul is merely a block,
To everything that is within reach,
If only she would allow herself to let go.